BALANCE

Do you relate to any of the following situations?

Jim owns a small business that he runs as President of the Company. The industry is competitive – and so is Jim. His typical workweek is 60 hours or more. He spends limited time with his family and has gained unwanted weight. Jim is living his dream to create a successful business and build wealth but, much of the time, he is irritable and impatient.

Michelle is a Registered Nurse and mother of two young children. Her work schedule varies week-to-week, including 12-hour shifts and weekends. She sees her husband in passing or asleep in bed. She would like to spend more time with her family, but she likes the feeling of independence she gets from her own income and enjoys the challenge and rewards of her job. She often feels guilty and unloved.

Mary is a well-respected, well-liked senior manager in a successful company. She works long hours, including evening and early morning business meetings. At 36, she is wondering how she could fit an intended husband and children into her life. Despite appearances to the contrary, she feels stressed and conflicted.

Ray is a successful business builder and investor. He lives in a large home, travels the world with his new wife, and speaks with his grown children infrequently. His social network is composed of business contacts and his conversations usually revolve around business opportunities. He often feels empty and disconnected.

Rita gave up a promising career shortly after she married. Today her fulltime job is raising three energetic children and managing the family’s home. Her husband works long hours to support the ever-increasing financial demands of the family. Often, Rita feels unfulfilled and underutilized.

The names have been changed to protect these apparently successful and well-adjusted people. For many of us, it is easy to identify with elements of these situations. Appearances of success and contentment are mysteriously accompanied by negative feelings such as disappointment, stress, guilt, anger and resentment. Negative emotions let us know that we are out of balance in our lives.

There are four main aspects of human beings that require intentional balancing:

1. PHYSICAL HEALTH AND FITNESS – The body enables us to take action and have experiences in the world. If the physical body is broken or limited in its normal function, our ability to experience the world is correspondingly limited.
2. EMOTIONAL MIND – Our emotions guide us to make meaningful and intimate connection with others, as well as with our own Inner Guidance
3. ANALYTICAL / THINKING MIND – Through this part of the mind, we have the ability to make choices that produce our experience of the world
4. SPIRITUALITY – Spiritually-inspired beliefs determine purpose, priority and importance of actions, and circumstances

The cost of being out of balance rises over time. Initially, there are the negative emotions that inform us that we are behaving self-destructively as a result of our choices. If we fail to heed the warning of negative emotions, the intensity of the feelings grows and circumstances in our lives materialize to draw our attention to the unhealthy consequences of our choices. Ultimately, if we continue to live out-of-balance, the price is paid physically, as the body constricts, degenerates or fails under life pressures and emotional overwhelm.

CREATING BALANCE
Since we all receive the same signals of life imbalance, what prevents most of us from achieving balance?

The answer lies within our personal belief systems. Our culture teaches us that life balance is a privilege of the superrich, a treat that we deserve only when we have finished the “important” tasks, or simply an impossible fantasy. To bring balance into your life, it’s important to see balance as an attainable and high-priority goal.

Living out-of-balance is a matter of unhealthy habitual behavior based on false or outdated personal beliefs. Examples of common outdated beliefs include work is hard, money equals freedom, women belong in the home, I don’t deserve what I have, and asking for help is a sign of weakness.

The first step to rebalancing is to update and correct the obstructive personal belief. Updating the preceding examples might look like this: Work can be enjoyable, I am free regardless of my financial condition, I have an equal right to express creativity and be self-reliant, I deserve abundance as much as anyone else, and asking for help is part of our nature to connect with and serve others. Over time, as you practice reminding yourself of the new belief, a new habit of behavior develops. All the while, you express and release the emotional energy that is associated with the outdated belief.

Create a habit of living in balance by continuously recycling these six steps:

1. BE AWARE of emotional reactions to decisions and circumstances
2. TAKE ACTION in accordance with emotional guidance
3. SELF-REVIEW to assess the consequences of your action
4. APPRECIATE your effort to learn, grow and do the right thing
5. SELF-CORRECT (if necessary) by taking remedial action to reinforce a new pattern of behavior
6. REMIND YOURSELF that balance is an attainable and high-priority goal

Gradually, that which feels awkward and intimidating will become second-nature, rewarding and health-enhancing. As we see for athletes, musicians, students and trainees; building a habit of constructive actions is expedited by outside guidance and perspective from capable mentors, coaches or teachers. Often, the very act of asking for and accepting support is a prime opportunity for personal growth.

THE PAYOFF
The result of an intentionally balanced life is the opportunity to have experiences filled with peace, joy and connection to purpose. The positive impact on people in your life is conspicuous, as you spread hope by becoming a living example of what others can create for themselves. The personal repercussions are pervasive, including dissipation of distrust and combativeness in the workplace, deeper connection with loved ones, and optimal physical health.

When you realize that living in balance and experiencing positive emotion are your birthright and basic life purpose, you will heal yourself and the world in unimaginable ways!

LIFE COACHING: HYPE OR HELP?

These days, it seems like customized wellness is the craze. Various forms of personalized wellness include physical health (personal trainers, chiropractors, body workers, nutritionists, etc.), mental and emotional health (psychotherapy, rehab programs), and spiritual health (spiritual counselors, religious authorities, retreats, etc.). What I believe is not clearly understood is how to address the interconnectedness of all aspects of “whole person” health. This is where Holistic Life Coaching fits into a personal wellness plan.

THE POWER OF COACHING
Life coaching is about learning to take conscious action that supports personal growth and enhances life experience. Holistic life coaching includes additional processes that support healing at all levels – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

A coach helps individuals “connect the dots” of dissatisfaction, life circumstances, beliefs and behaviors; then guides and supports the implementation of day-to-day solutions. A coach can empower a client to break destructive patterns, co-creating new ways of living and seeing the world. The goal is for a client to feel a sense of wellbeing and experience more joy in all aspects of life.

WHAT COACHING IS
Successful coaching relationships empower clients to resolve their own issues, now and in the future. While Coaching can take many different forms, look for these underlying capabilities and intentions:

• Provide clear reflection, enabling a client to see the big picture of cause and consequences of personal choices
• Has access to a variety of techniques and knowledge in order to customize a client’s experience
• An unwavering and candid advocate for a client’s health, prosperity and personal growth
• As needed, provide useful information and resources derived from the coach’s experiences and formal education
• Ability to listen “between the lines” and ask questions that lead to increased self-knowledge
• A relationship committed to client empowerment
• Real-world, practical, action-oriented solutions and support

WHAT COACHING IS NOT
Coaching is not about a client surrendering responsibility for personal growth to a coach or anyone else. A counselor/advisor that relies heavily upon any of the following is probably providing a service that is not empowerment coaching.

• Advisory service
• Religious instruction
• Perpetuating coach-dependency
• Coach-driven solutions
• Philosophical observation that is detached from real-world solutions
• A stated sole-source for health and well-being

EVALUATING A COACH
If you are considering working with a coach, here are some suggested interview questions and observations:

• How long have you been practicing as a Personal Coach? What was your work prior to becoming a Personal Coach?
• What are your relevant training, education and certifications?
• Will you provide at least 3 client references who will talk with me?
• Notice if the coach is doing a good job of inquiring about and listening to your wants and needs, or if the coach is more interested in impressing you with knowledge and opinions.
• Notice your gut response to the Coach. Do you get a warm, comfortable feeling of connection; or do you feel uneasy and unsure, possibly in the form of butterflies or anxiety?
• Ask for an explicit statement of expected benefits from the engagement. Are the expected benefits in alignment with your goal(s)?
• Be clear about cost. Are fees charged by the hour, by the month, by the project, etc.? Ask about a service guarantee.

Coaching is an unregulated and unlicensed profession. Qualifications and techniques vary widely. Investigate thoroughly and follow your instincts!

WORKING WITH FAMILY OR FRIENDS – MINEFIELD AND MIRROR

Building a company with family members or close friends can seem like a great idea. Anticipated benefits might include sharing business responsibilities with someone you know and trust, keeping more of the profits in the family, providing valuable workplace experience for career-building, spending more time with a loved one, or simply fulfilling a perceived obligation as senior clansperson or giving friend.

The following is the story of a coaching client who is in a sibling partnership:

1n 1998, two brothers started a business together with high hopes and little forethought about their personal relationship. After all, who else would each choose for a partner except his childhood friend, blood relative and lifelong confidant! At the outset, it was smooth sailing, as each enthusiastically pitched in as necessary, doing any “dirty work” for the sake of the new enterprise. A booming economy spurred rapidly rising sales and profits, occupying their attention and satisfying their expectations. An economic downturn in 2001, accompanied by a failed initiative at diversification, precipitated a dramatic shift in the partners’ relationship. With expectations for profitability, growth and lifestyle no longer being met and clear answers in short supply, supportiveness soured into blame. Long-lived patterns of competitiveness and resentment between the partners erupted in the workplace and immediately converted the culture of the company into a mix of fear, irresponsibility, and power (information) hoarding. Over the next few years, a failed marriage for one brother and physical injuries to the other brother fueled feelings of discontent. The partnership became a burden and a place of entrapment.

In reality, a partnership or other direct working relationship with a family member or close friend can be a minefield. The booby traps might include:

• Perceptions of favoritism
• Resentment toward a partner or employee who is perceived as “skating” or taking advantage of a personal connection or ownership position
• Poisoning the culture of a company with habitual criticizing, blaming and emotional venting
• Financial interdependencies that inflame feelings of powerlessness or control
• Taking workplace problems to the dinner table, the bedroom or social venues
• Using unsatisfactory business results to justify long-running sentiments of incompetence, ineffectiveness or other inadequacy
• Seeing someone all day – everyday, can shift perceptions (about strength, intelligence, charm, genius, etc.), fundamentally changing a personal relationship
• Business pressures that inflame personal issues that were previously manageable

As a coach, I have seen this pattern repeatedly: The surfacing of preexisting antipathy, expectations, and hard feelings brought out by shared responsibility for money, authority, reputations, and the attempted manifestation of a dream for success. While there is potential for great pain in this dynamic, there is also an opportunity for personal growth and the healing of interpersonal relationships.

My client, in the example above, is the older brother. He began our coaching relationship convinced that all would be well if only his brother would see events and situations as they really are (meaning, as perceived in the mind of this client!). It has been a methodical learning process for the client to realize that when emotions are involved, logic and data have limited influence on the resolution of issues. Over time, the client has come to recognize his contributions to the pattern of blame and angst. As he has come to experience, the only sure way of changing someone else’s behavior is by changing one’s own attitude and conduct!

By clarifying his intentions, improving his accountability and adapting his style of communication, this client has dramatically enhanced his interpersonal relationships at work and at home. The turning point for this client came with the realization that the quality of his relationships and life experience is more important than being “right.” This core-level shift in awareness set the stage for great strides in personal growth and new levels of understanding and compassion in all of his relationships.

The following are some steps in the coaching process that help open the door to harmony:

1. SET MEANINGFUL INTENTION – Be clear about what is most important at work and in relationship with friends and family. Make a commitment to act consistently with this highest purpose in thought, behavior and conversation.
2. OWN WHAT’S YOURS – Accept responsibility for your half of the relationship. Be willing to admit your limitations, mistakes and misconceptions – without self-criticism.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU CAN AND CANNOT CHANGE – You have complete control over your experience of a relationship. You have no control whatsoever over another person’s beliefs, feelings and expectations. 
4. CHANGE YOURSELF – Change in a relationship happens by changing oneself. Get help (workshops, books, coach, therapist, spiritual guide, etc.) to discover the destructive beliefs and thoughts that disempower and deceive. Learn how to change your style of communication to convey true intentions in a manner most likely to be understood.
5. ACCEPT AND APPRECIATE– When you can appreciate and accept your own heartfelt intent and best efforts, you gain the capacity to do so for others.

The presence of a pre-existing personal dynamic within an organization has an unavoidable impact on the culture of a company. No amount of good intentions or rational behavior can insulate an organization from the influence of emotionally-charged issues between individuals. Responsible leaders will view workplace tensions as a catalyst to achieving new levels of respect, appreciation, trust and understanding. The potential benefits in terms of personal satisfaction, professional development and organizational wellbeing are both obvious and immeasurable!

THE MESSAGE IN YOUR DREAM

Many people realize that our intuition – our “gut feeling” – invariably tells us the best action to take. However, I have long wondered why intuitive guidance is so vague and cryptic, so easy to miss or misunderstand. After all, if Spirit is omnipotent, why can’t S/He just tell me in plain English what S/He wants me to do! Finally, I heard an enlightening analogy that answered the question for me: As a human being, I am far more intelligent than a stinkbug. Yet, it is impossible for me to communicate with a stinkbug, even if I have important information that might benefit the insect, such as, “Stop! You are heading into the street where you will likely be squashed!” Compared to Supreme Intelligence, you and I are no more than proud stinkbugs, unable to grasp the unfathomable “language” of Divine thought!

If Spirit communicates with us through intuition, when and in what language does the communication take place? I believe that the communication is ever-present. Unfortunately, the only time that the message gets through is when the chatter of the conscious mind abates. And when does the chatter of the conscious mind fall silent for everyone? ...when we are asleep, of course!

WHY NOT DREAMS?
With supreme wisdom and infinite patience, Spirit has found a way to communicate with us using a language that is understandable to humankind: The language of symbols. Unfortunately, even though important messages are communicated to us regularly, we still must take responsibility for listening, understanding and acting on the message that comes through. Fortunately, there are systems and practitioners of dream interpretation that can help one get over the hump of unawareness or resistance, as the case may be.

SYMBOLISM
The system of dream interpretation that I practice is called DreamWork. According to DreamWork, all people, places and things that appear in a dream are symbolic – including the dreamer himself! The meaning of each symbol is strictly personal, as Spirit talks in a vocabulary that is especially meaningful to each individual. For example, if a red Corvette appears in my dream, it might mean something different to me than to a dreamer who is a collector of vintage cars.

In my practice, the client and I distill the personal meaning of the symbol, and knowing which aspect of the mind is represented by the symbol, the message of the dream becomes clear when we observe how the symbols interact with each other within the dream. For example, if in my dream I drive my red Corvette over a cliff, the message may be revealing that an aspect of my logical/rational mind is being driven by a certain belief into a dangerous situation.

WHAT’S THE POINT?
Why would we consistently find spiritual guidance in dreams? The answer lies in the basic universal condition of Return to Oneness. The guidance that we receive in our dreams is intended to help us take the next step in our personal evolution and healing. Each step we take in our personal growth brings us one step closer to Higher Consciousness. It’s one of Spirit’s ways of leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for us to return home!

A CASE REVIEW

   “Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers” – Mignon McLaughlin

This coaching client is a serial creator of niche businesses and new technologies. He is intelligent, articulate and well-liked – a visionary of new markets and business strategies.

He became aggravated by his pattern of selling his companies prematurely, before they realized their imminent value. His conduct was a puzzlement to all who knew him and experienced his insightfulness, charisma and light-heartedness. In our work together, this client came to recognize and deal with a hidden part of himself that is intense, angry, insecure and relentlessly self-critical. His deep-seated self-doubt drove him to avoid commitments and accountability – not just in business, but in all relationships.

After three years of periodic coaching, this client lives and makes decisions with an ever-higher level of self-knowledge and self-appreciation. He makes choices according to what is best for his health and happiness, that of his wife and child, and the success of his current business. Accountability is still a challenge, but now he makes decisions with conscious intent and early awareness of the consequences.

A TRIP TO THE PRESENT

Everything happens for a reason. I repeated this phrase vehemently to myself as my car’s tires spun futilely in the hot, soft sand around Elephant Butte Lake in Southern New Mexico. Moments later, frustration had given way to peaceful delight as I found myself walking alone on an enchanting trail – just the sort of situation I had travelled from San Diego to experience – in search of a Good Samaritan with a winch for rescue. After a very pleasant walk, I was reminded in a mobile phone call from my wife, who was waiting patiently by the car, that we are members of AAA. Our “free” tow was soon on the way to rescue my languishing vehicle. Had it not been for my stranded vehicle, I would not have had that opportunity to walk in nature, providing the rejuvenation and reconnection I was seeking!

This was one of several incidents on a recent trip to visit family, a vacation where I repeatedly became aware I was getting what I wanted in a form that was unplanned and seemingly undesirable. Here’s another example: It is a top priority for my wife and me that we have peaceful, serene space when we travel. While I fretted about the continuously rising price of gasoline and questioned the timing of our trip, travelling when we did, resulted in open highways free of traffic and boat trips on a lake and river that were all but deserted. A dreaded condition (higher travel costs) resulted in getting what we wanted (peace and serenity) in an uncontrollable and unanticipated way!

A striking example of unanticipated joy showed up as I spent time with my father on this trip. At 84 years of age, he has all but lost his sense of hearing. That condition makes for extremely difficult communication. As it turned out, that barrier to conversation was responsible for his availability to spend extensive one-on-one time with me, without distraction by friends, family or others. His condition also compelled us to simply be together, allowing him to drop his customary role as the well-intended cheerleading father. We walked and sat in the comfort of our shared presence. I experienced a tranquility and connection with him that filled the space usually occupied by repetitious dialogue.

How often do you journey to the past (reliving, regretting or mentally revising past events) and to the future (formulating, dreading or anticipating what is beyond your control)? Do you notice how in each moment, you always get what you need (even if unrecognized as such) and sometimes get what you want (hooray!), in a form that might be unintended? Are you aware of what stops you from appreciating that , right NOW, you have exactly what you need to fulfill the purpose of your life?

Changing the destination of your attention will change your experience of life. Stress, disappointment and anxiety are reliable indicators of a journey to the past or future. Excitement, gratitude and having fun indicate attention to the present. I plan on taking many more “staycations” to the present!

SPIRITUALITY IN BUSINESS – THE TIME HAS COME

There is a reason why flight attendants instruct passengers to strap on their own oxygen mask before applying a mask to the child (or person acting like a child) in the adjacent seat. Because both are most likely to survive if the responsible passenger first ensures his/her own ability to act capably. A (literally) unconscious responsible party could ensure the demise of both passengers!

The analogy applies to any organization. The responsible party (CEO, owner-operator or senior manager) must first personally embody the values, awareness and integrity that are ultimately desired for the entire organization. Just as an organization is a reflection of its leadership, so is leadership a reflection of the leader’s personal thoughts, beliefs and feelings. Many of us are well aware of our own technical abilities, interpersonal skills, likes and dislikes. However, how well do we recognize the subconscious beliefs and emotions that profoundly impact our decisions and behaviors? This is where spirituality fits into the picture.

Spirituality (as distinguished from religion) is about being aware of our Essential Truth and making conscious choices based on that truth. And what is Essential Truth? It’s the hunch – the gut feeling response; it’s the message from intuition; that small voice in the back of your mind that instantly whispers the best answer to any question you ask yourself. Essential Truth is what we frequently obscure with false beliefs and mindless routines. That all-knowing voice from within guides us toward whole-life enhancing choices. Leadership that stems from spiritual connectedness encourages honest interpersonal communication, life-balancing work styles and compassionate, health-promoting policies and decisions.

Leadership that reflects spiritually influenced thoughts and actions produces compelling results. When perspective on the business shifts to a place of balance among life’s priorities, decisions tend to enhance long-term value, which shows up as model leadership, increased customer loyalty, and improved employee retention. Recruiting becomes less of an issue, as quality employees are attracted to a positive, supportive workplace. Organizational resourcefulness is enhanced because employees care.

So what’s the cost to a business that operates without spiritual direction? We need look no further than newspaper headlines: The debacle at Enron and others that result from failures of integrity in leadership; the “us-vs.-them” attitude of employees and management; management decisions designed to shortchange business partners and governmental regulators. The pervasive costs to a company can be intangible and are therefore more easily overlooked: Lower employee moral, less trust among employees; less customer loyalty (resulting in higher marketing and customer service costs); greater expense in hiring and keeping quality employees; loss of investor confidence (resulting in a lower valuation of the company) and more. The personal emotional toll can be debilitating: Loss of self-esteem and distrust of partners, suppliers and community.

MAKING THE TRANSFORMATION
Getting in touch with Essential Truth begins with self-knowledge and personal accountability. Simple -- yes. Easy -- maybe not. Intentionally updating self-concept and changing perspective on life require fierce honesty and departure from the routine. You may have heard the old adage: The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. The first step on the path to transformation is to embrace change as a partner, not fear change as a threat. Only when a leader experiences self-knowledge, self-compassion and self-accountability can those traits be modeled, taught and integrated into an organization’s culture. Simply by becoming aware of underlying beliefs, thoughts and feelings, a person is empowered to make conscious choices and change behavior patterns. New habits of behavior organically develop from updated, truth-based beliefs. Are you ready to heal your organization? Begin by healing yourself!